It seems I’ll perpetually only be able to properly journal my life when I reach more definitive moments in my life. I guess that’s better than nothing. I’d rather have these moments recorded than to scratching my head as an old man wondering how God got me from an authority-despising teenager to… wherever He’s taking me.
The longer I’ve worked full time for the church, the more issues I keep encountering that strike me as off, yet for which I am lacking adequate language to describe the discord in my heart. These are matters of faith and religion that have been passed down to me since birth. What I’ve realized in the last year or so is that I’ve generally accepted these matters as orthodox because men and women, seemingly more Godly and intelligent than I, told me they were orthodox and presented scriptural support as such. One example would be the matter of female pastors. I always cringed at the thought. I cringed because I saw my spiritual parents cringe. It was an inherited, innate reaction. But then, a couple of months ago, I was confronted with the issue when it seemed the Lord was directing me to start ministering with a group of believers who accept the female pastorate. These believers are so genuine in their faith, are obviously full of the Spirit of God, are living out Kingdom life without reserve, are seemingly completely yielded to the direction of the Lord, that I was deeply struck with confusion. How can God be using a female “pastor” in such vibrant ways if she is walking contrary to His word on that point? And it my spirit I did not sense that this was a Matthew 7:22 moment; it could have been, but most likely not. I believe the woman and her disciples to be truly in love with Jesus and truly seeking to honor Him. So it forced me to start digging around to hear the arguments against the female pastorate. Interestingly enough, I landed “cautiously” on the side of male-only pastorates, with a heavy dose of curiosity for what God does through sincere female pastors who are probably just coming to an incorrect conclusion about what scripture says regarding the role.
You can see from my ambiguous vernacular that I still need to work on that point for myself. Yet this is just one example of what’s been going on in my heart and head. And it’s not the bigger, obvious points of conflict. I’m curious about the idea of ordination, the high elevation that the role of pastor has been lifted to, the priesthood of all believers, “rules” surrounding corporate worship, corporate worship and Sabbath, the institutional Church, the endless challenge to possess authentic community, and many other things.
The reason I’m writing down what’s happened this week between myself and the Lord is because I’m so grateful for what’s happened. Up until last week I was growing very frustrated with all of these rising questions. The sinful side of my spirit was desiring to instantly rebel against the popular positions as soon as I questioned a standing practice. I am grateful that the Spirit softly spoke to my heart in those matters and told me to slow down. He said that one of the reasons I am here at a church, more particularly in a denomination, that I find myself quite different from, is to be pushed into apologetics in one sense. I have to admit, with a little embarrassment, that I’ve never truly dug into what I believe, with the exception of standard reformed theology (primarily God’s sovereignty and soteriological matters). So I’m realizing that this is all happening as a call from the Lord to ground myself in His word, rather than in traditions handed down to me.
On Monday I was mindlessly scrolling Instagram while I had some time to kill (no need to bother with the details of why I had time to kill… but perhaps there is some need to dig into why we feel we need to kill time). I came across a meme that read like this:
Evangelicals: “Semper Reformada!”
Younger Generation: *deconstructs the faith they received, sifting through its various components to examine whether they’re more cultural or actually biblical*
Evangelicals: “No, not like that!”
I chuckled about it and moved on until later the Spirt pricked my heart. I did a quick Google search for “deconstruction” and landed right away on a podcast where Skye Jethani was talking about deconstructing your faith without walking away from it. It made me realize that there is a right way to question what you’ve always believed and have always been told. It’s not a rebellion against establishment. It’s an examination of the foundation that I’ve built my life on. God says He will hold me accountable to that in a trial by fire. And as of today, I cannot account for the state of my spiritual foundation. I can only describe what I think to be there. I’ve never analyzed it myself. This gave me a great sense of peace and assurance that these walls I keep hitting at work are really just sign posts that identify issues I need to better understand for myself. This has instantly given me space in my heart for others in leadership who apparently think quite differently from me about these things. And for that I am grateful.
So as of today, in my heart and head, I am beginning a journey to deconstruct my faith, and rebuild it upon conviction given by the Spirit of God from the Word of God among the people of God. One thing Jethani said in the podcast was that while taking this journey, we must be sure to find someone who has already walked the path, and attach ourselves to their stability and wisdom. I don’t have anybody I know around me who has done this, but God did (not so coincidently) just introduce me to Dallas Willard. Willard was one of Jethani’s rocks while he walked his path of deconstruction. Again, I’m so grateful for the ways the Lord assures me that I am moving in His will. So I have about 8 Willard books on my desk right now that I’m diving into. I aim to learn all about and implement true spiritual formation in my life, while at the same time diving deep into God’s Word in seminary, while at the same time breaking down every tenant of faith I hold to to examine it’s place in the Word of God. I figure this trifecta approach covers all the bases and will prevent me from wandering away from the faith along the way.
I also plan on writing out short papers / essays on where I land on each matter. Who knows how long this will take, but I know my scattered brain needs the clarity.
aschristlovedus 