This will be the longest week I have watching Judah during my at home tenure. Gina has some late nights and no days off. About half of me is focused on ticking off the time and getting to the end of the week with my sanity in tact. The other half of me is trying to slow down and enjoy the time and make the most of it.
Last Thursday was a really hard day. Judah was incredibly unhappy with any option presented to him throughout the day. He basically fussed all day and did not sleep well. I didn’t mind tending to him all day as much as I became frustrated by my lack of ability to comfort him. Again, there is a division even in that though. Part of my frustration stemmed from the actual lack of ability to comfort, and the other part stemmed from the illogical fussiness on his part, when I had provided him with all comforts that he needed. I have to constantly remind myself that babies are inherently illogical as it regards being content with their circumstances, because they cannot reason outside of the very tiny bubble they reside in. The doctor told me that babies can only think about and process what is about two feet around them (mostly in front of them) in any direction. And more importantly, whatever is going on with their body overrules any outward comforts at the time. I find that I severely lack patience for anyone (or anything) that isn’t operating within their proportional levels of logic and reason.
Take the dogs for example. Dogs can be trained to a certain level of reason and responsibility. Beyond that they are limited by animalistic traits and instincts. My patience comes into play when they reach those levels. Before that though, I struggle with anger toward their actions. One dog barks incessantly when we (or anyone else) leaves the house. Even if we’re just going to the mailbox. Apparently it’s because of anxiety issues. Perhaps she doesn’t think we’re ever coming back. Yet that is incredibly illogical because we always come back, and have done so her entire life. It drives me crazy that she does that. Efforts at training her otherwise have helped a little, but overall she continues with her barking. I literally cannot find any patience within myself for situations like that.
When the dogs see another animal walking by and go berserk… that I can understand and reason with. I don’t feel anger toward them while they’re barking for that reason. It’s their instinct to defend their territory and to be aggressive toward other creatures.
All that to say, I think through these things. Gina feels through them. She is hardly ever annoyed and rarely ever angered by the dogs. But she views them differently than I do. Her response to the baby is different than mine as well. She longs to be home with him. I long to be at work providing for him and setting a good example for him. Those are core differences installed by the Maker for a reason – particularly to exemplify and magnify different characteristics within Himself. Another reason is that Gina and I balance each other out in this world.
On another note, I have been successful at catching up on school work, so at least that has been some repose for me in this time off. Here is to a great second half of family leave.