The Last One…

Today is my very last birthday as an individual who has no birthed children.  I enjoy meditating on such facts.  I’ve spent a full 30 years of my life without the responsibility of a little one depending on me.  Now that chapter of my life is drawing to its final pages.  The Lord has timed this perfectly in my opinion.  I firmly believe that I would not have been ready for children a day sooner, and I can’t imagine waiting any longer.

I’ve spent enough time focused on me.  Yes, being married involves a strong dimension of caring for someone else, but a spouse can ultimately care for herself if neglected.  A child cannot.  My previous years have been self-focused, self-developing, self-sufficient, self-mistaking, self-correcting.  What I mean by that of course is that all that the Lord was doing in me, was to prepare ME for the life that starts this coming February.  Now the Lord will be continuing to work in and on me, but in a way that is re-focused on my family rather than myself.  My mistakes will affect my son.  My successes will give him security and vision.  My discipline will give him consistency.  My love will give him hope.

I’m glad that the time is now.  The Lord has made me ready.  With Gina at my side, I know that we can do this.  Sometimes a little fear creeps its way into my mind when I think deeply about the responsibility at hand.  Those are the times I look to my wife, look to my Lord, and look to my preparation – from these I draw confidence and excitement.  And on a much less positive and weighty point, I look to the enormity of drug addicted, low-life criminals who raise children “successfully” and think, “If they can do it, so can I.”

This morning my wife and I were lazily staying in bed long past the alarm clock’s demands (seriously the heater was broken and the house was freezing – who wants to get out of bed to that?).  I lay there with my hand on her stomach and felt my son wriggling around.  He must have been playing soccer or something because he was moving far more than usual.  It was a wonder to feel that – to be participating with his little life, even though I’ve never seen him.  I’d like to think that he recognizes my hand and likes to give it little bumps from the inside.  It comforts my wife’s spirit to feel him move so vibrantly.  How can anyone assume or believe that such a wonder was born from randomness?  A Divine hand – unfathomably skilled – is to blame for such things.

I can’t stop thinking about what he’ll look like, what his favorites will be, what his gifts will be, and I most certainly cannot wait to see how he fleshes out his love for the Lord.

I am done with thinking about me.  I am eager to spend my life thinking about and serving my wife and son (and more if God wills).

It seems that my life until now went from a solid childhood, to an increasingly wildly sporadic and wavering young adult life, and has, over the past four years begun to settle into a norm of stability, consistency, discipline, and drive.  My lessons have been learned, my ears are attuned to the Lord’s will, my goals are clear before me, and I am motivated to make much of Jesus through this life He has given me.

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