God knows what I need. This past Wednesday, October 7th, I met my son. I met him on an ultrasound monitor. At 11 1/2 weeks I met him for the first time, but did not know he was a he then. This time, as I miraculously saw all four chambers of his heart, both halves of his brain, his skeletal system, and the blood flowing through his umbilical chord, I was in awe. What God is doing inside the relatively small womb of my wife, is beyond words.
And then the tech moved the little wand to another location on my wife’s growing belly and voila! There was a penis. I was dumbfounded. See, Gina and I both went into that appointment fully expecting to hear that we were having a daughter. For whatever reason we were prepared for that. Yes, I wanted a daughter, but more so, God was preparing Gina’s heart for a daughter – because she only wanted boys. I’ve never been anti-son, I just had my heart ready for a girl at this point.
So when I saw that little wee-wee on the screen, my mind came to a screeching halt. I was thinking about protection, nurture, stories of princesses, and tea parties. Today is Sunday and I still haven’t gotten my mind’s engines restarted in boy mode. Again, I’m excited about a son. I just can’t figure out what the first step is with him.
You see, my father was wonderful. He was an inexpressibly hard worker. He loved and still love the Lord. But he was not strong in displays of affection, or in going deep. Those are two things I want to do differently with my son. Having spent some years now thinking that I’d do it differently if given the chance, I now realize I don’t have a clue as to how to accomplish that. I know that turning to the Lord is the first step. I don’t doubt His provision as it regards enabling me to rear a godly boy. It’s the practical element that worries me. What if I don’t read enough Scripture over him soon enough? What if I don’t instill a solid reformed theology in him young enough? What if I push too much theology and he hates it? What if he struggles with homosexuality? What if he completely turns away from the Lord? How do I make sure that he doesn’t make the same mistakes I made as a young man?
For the record, I know that these are worrisome, sinful thoughts. I do believe in a sovereign God after all. I do believe that He works all things together for good for those who love Him. I love Him; therefore the course of my son’s life is predetermined to bring God much glory. I just want to set him up as best I can, to live a life fully pleasing to the Lord. I want him to be a gentleman. I want him to respect women. I want him to crave the deep things of the Word of God. I want him to be dauntless in the face of danger. I want him to know how to camp, shoot, tie knots, play guitar, make excellent coffee, digest a solid book, win a woman’s heart, win a debate, figure out how to do anything he doesn’t know how to do, fill up his passport with lots of different stamps, win souls for Christ, lead other men in the ways of the Spirit, and so many other things.
For all of this I depend on the Lord. And I know that by the end of February / early March I’ll be ready… for the first week or so of his life. I expect that the Lord will show me the way just a little at a time. But if by chance he wants to give me a few years advanced knowledge, I won’t turn it down.